The SATs of Cranberry Zinger Muffins

For the following quiz, use a No. 2 pencil and a soft eraser. Do not use a pen or mechanical pencil. An essay written in pen will not scan and receives a score of zero. Cell phone use is prohibited.

SECTION 1
Sentence Completion

Boy, I’ve been on a _____ kick lately. They’re ____ to make and the cost is ____.

A) baby … fun … a bottle of wine and a Barry White CD
B) muffin … simple … nominal
C) pants … sew easy (har har) … $19
D) magic mushroom … trippy … I’m not sure because the walls are melting

If you’re looking to serve a ___ of something for ____ breakfast, you could do worse than ____.

A) billion … your mom’s … many bowls of rice
B) gram … Boxing Day … hard drugs
C) butt … Butt Day … butts
D) basket … Thanksgiving … Cranberry Zinger Muffins from Cooking With Amy

In this recipe, _______ are largely replaced by ______ juice, making the ____ very light.

A) puppy hearts … cat knees … evil
B) oil and eggs … lemon and orange … muffins
C) Maxwell House coffees … another brand … beatings
D) Tom Cruise’s armpits … Hugh Jackman eyeball … Zac Efron gaze


SECTION 2
Passage-based Reading

In her description of Cranberry Zinger Muffins, Amy writes, “It's Spring and I am craving mouth-watering tangy flavors. I find most muffins are too sweet for breakfast. This muffin recipe combines lots of tangy flavors that I love, especially lemon but also orange, cranberries and ginger. You can leave out the ginger if it's too zingy for you or your family.”

The “flavors” Amy refers to are:

A) sweet
B) tangy
C) the embodiment of all that is wrong with the world
D) What flavors? Where the hell am I?

What is the difference between Cranberry Zinger Muffins and most other muffins?

A) They are rainbow-colored and filled with bison meat.
B) They aren’t too sweet.
C) They won’t make you pregnant.
D) They won’t try to hit on your dad.

In this context, Amy’s use of “zingy” means:

A) punchliney
B) tart
C) pseudoantidisestablishmentarianism
D) the adorable hilarity of Paul Rudd mixed with the testosterone-fueled machismo of Vin Diesel, with a little smattering of Phyllis Diller on the side


SECTION 3
Math

If one muffin costs $0.34, how much will it take to ultimately bail out insurance giant AIG?

A) $0.34
B) A trillion dollars.
C) More money than I can possibly conceive of, paid off exclusively by future generations.
D) No money, but a lot of crystal meth.

If each muffin has 177 calories and less than five grams of fat, what is the probability George Clooney will show up at my house tomorrow and make me breakfast?

A) 1/2
B) 3/4000000000000
C) Π
D) Trick question. This is obviously an imaginary number.

If the recipe makes 12 muffins, and you eat nine of them in two days, what should you never, ever do again?

A) Weigh yourself.
B) Pretend to write a blog about healthy eating.
C) Try to brush your teeth with mint toothpaste the morning after drinking eight shots of Rumpleminze on your roommate’s 19th birthday. (Um … this was possibly a leftover answer from another SAT question.)
D) Eat the remaining three muffins.

Thank you for completing this test. The answer to every question was B.


Cranberry Zinger Muffins
Adapted from Cooking With Amy
12 muffins

2 c flour
1 T baking powder
1/2 t baking soda
1/4 t salt
1 large egg
3/4 c sugar
1/4 c unsalted butter, softened but not melted
1/2 t grated fresh ginger
Rind of one lemon grated
Rind of one orange, grated
3/4 c citrus juice (combined juice of 2 lemons and 2 oranges)
1 1/4 c fresh or frozen cranberries
2 T sugar

1) Preheat oven to 400. Coat a 12-muffin tin with nonstick cooking spray. Whisk together the flour with the baking powder, baking soda and salt and set aside. Using a hand mixer or pastry cutter, cream the sugar and butter until smooth, mix in the egg. Add the orange juice and ginger, lemon, and orange peel and stir to combine. Mix the flour and cranberries into the batter just until combined. Spoon the batter into the muffin pan. Sprinkle each with sugar.

2) Bake for 15 to 20 minutes our until the muffins are lightly browned, puff up, and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool in the tin set on a wire rack for about 10 minutes. Remove the muffins from the tin and eat them warm or let them cool completely on wire rack.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price Per Serving
177 calories, 4.5 g fat, $0.34

Calculations
2 c flour: 910 calories, 2.5 g fat, $0.18
1 T baking powder: 7 calories, 0 g fat, $0.10
1/2 t baking soda: negligible calories and fat, $0.01
1/4 t salt: negligible calories and fat, $0.01
1 large egg: 74 calories, 5 g fat, $0.17
3/4 c sugar: 581 calories, 0 g fat, $0.24
1/4 c unsalted butter, softened but not melted: 407 calories, 46.1 g fat, $0.25
1/2 t grated fresh ginger: 1 calorie, 0 g fat, $0.07
Rind of one lemon grated: 1 calorie, 0 g fat, Free
Rind of one orange, grated: 1 calorie, 0 g fat, Free
3/4 c citrus juice (combined juice of 2 lemon and 2 orange): 85 calories, 0 g fat, $2.00
1 1/4 c fresh or frozen cranberries: 55 calories, 0.2 g fat, $1.04
2 T sugar: 93 calories, 0 g fat, $0.04
TOTAL: 2122 calories, 53.8 g fat, $4.11
PER SERVING (TOTAL/12): 177 calories, 4.5 g fat, $0.34