Wednesday, December 10, 2008

CHG Cookbook Giveaway Part DEUX!

A new copy of Veganomicon by Isa Chandra Moskowitz and Terry Hope Romero fell into my lap yesterday, so I’m giving it away to one lucky CHG reader.

To enter, just:
  1. Post your favorite joke in the comment section. Please keep it rated G, PG, or PG-13. Sexist and/or racist jokes will be deleted immediately.
  2. Make sure no one else has told the same joke already.
  3. Sign your name.
  4. That’s it.

Like last week’s giveaway, the winner will be chosen FRIDAY AT NOON using the Random.org integer generator.

In the meantime – today’s article is still to come, so stay tuned!

P.S. One entry per person, please.

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69 comments:

Liz said...

Ok, here goes, best joke ever...

Did you ever hear the watermellon joke???



It's pittiful.

Liz

Anonymous said...

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Alma
Alma who?
Alma corn-on-the-cob is gone.
I got my fiber today.


[groan]

Marie

mgaltier@yahoo.com

katiejo said...

What's brown and sticky?

(expectant pause)

A stick!

Katie

BethE said...

Why do tomatoes always have big weddings?




Because they cantaloupe.

Beth

Evelyn said...

In this one, "Me" is telling the joke, and "you" is hearing the joke.

Me: I have a great joke for you. Say "knock, knock".
You: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?

the chief said...

How many people with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!

leanne said...

Katie took my joke!

Okay, this one is better said out loud than read:

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"

The bear replies, "I'll have...... a beer."

The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear says (wave your hands in front of you), "I was born with them."

Ha ha! Get it? Pause/Paws??

Leanne

Amiyrah said...

Why do tomatoes decide to roll instead of walk?

Because otherwise it would be hard for them to "ketchup"!

get it? Catch up! Ketchup!

Is this thing on?

-Amiyrah

Thomas said...

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - Take a clean dish and...."


-Thomas
elchuy AT gmail.com

Jaime said...

The joke is on me, that as a contributor, I can't win this tome. Waah.

KMAYS said...

A duck walked into a bar. Ouch!

Walked. into. a. bar.

Leigh said...

I disqualify myself for obvious conflict of interest/fairness reasons, but A) oooh, I'm jealous, this is on my wishlist, and 2) I love jokes! Especially bizarro ones like this one:

You're riding down the road in your canoe and your wheels fall off. How many pancakes can you make in a doghouse?

16, because ice cream has no bones

Shanna said...

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper says, "Really, you have a drink named Steve?"

Anonymous said...

Where do cows go on a Saturday night?

To the Mooooo-vies!

Sarah

Lauren said...

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' catholic.

Hehe.

-Lauren

Ona said...

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

Summerlin said...

What's the grammatically correct term for Santa's elves?

Subordinate clauses.

Summerlin (AKA KB)

Kelly C. said...

A woman is in the shower when she hears the doorbell ring. She yells out, "Who is it?" The person at the door yells back, "Blind man!" She thinks for a moment, shrugs, and walks out of the shower to the door. The man is very startled and says, "Um....where should I put these blinds?"

I heard that on Regis and Kathie Lee when I was a little kid and it's stuck with me ever since.

Anonymous said...

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours??
A: Notyourcheese(Nacho) cheese!

Marissa
wiscmaris@yahoo.com

Jessie said...

What did the grape do when the elephant stepped on it? It let out a little whine.

whine/wine

~Jessie

Becca Bee said...

Why did the cucumber blush?



He saw the salad dressing!!

Jon said...

How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, one to change the bulb and one to write a poem mourning the loss of the one that blew out.

Camila said...

A mama skunk had two baby skunks, In and Out. She could never keep track of them -- whenever Out was in, In was out, and whenever In was in, Out was out.

One day In got well and truly lost -- the mama skunk couldn't find him anywhere. So after hours of searching, she sent his brother Out out to go find In and bring him in, and Out promptly walked back in the house with his brother In in tow.

"How on earth did you find your brother In so quickly?" the amazed mama skunk asked.

"It was easy!" Out said. "In stinked!"

Instinct? Geddit? Hahahahaha... ha. Camila

CJ said...

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

charlotte said...

how do you get down off an elephant?


you don't. you get down off a duck.

blondiagw15 said...

o i would love this!!

Michelle said...

A peanut butter and jelly sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."

Michelle

Marcia said...

Oh man, last cookbook and this one, I have already!!

A beautiful blonde walks into a bank in Manhattan to borrow money. She wants to take a $10,000 loan. She's leaving for Europe in two days and needs the money. She'll be gone three months.

The banker is happy to loan her the money at 10% interest, as long as she has collateral. She offers up her Porsche. The next day, she brings in the car, the banker parks it in the garage, and they give her a check. She deposits it into a savings account, leaves for Europe, and leaves the money untouched.

When she returns three months later, she comes by to get the car and return the $10,000 (she's earned interest!). The banker is confused about why she would borrow money and not touch it for three months.

Her response: "Where else in Manhattan can you park a car for 3 months for only $250?"

Jen said...

This is really a physical joke, but here goes, let's read it like a play:

You (somewhat frantically, waving hands on either side of "Its" head): You're running through the woods, you're running through the woods! Close your eyes!

["It" closes eyes"]
[You soundly thunk "It" on the forehead with the palm of your hand.]

You: "Don't close your eyes when you're running through the woods!"

The Traveler said...

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the Shell station!

:)
Sonja

Jenny said...

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?



One, but the lightbulb has to really WANT to change.

melissa said...

Why is Snow White always getting mad at the seven dwarves?

Because of the way they always greet her, "Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho."

The RxT said...

2 muffins are in an oven.

First muffin: "boy, it sure is hot in here."

Second muffin: "wow, a talking muffin!"



Rachel

Kelly said...

My favorite jokes be pirate jokes, mateys! And here be some o' my favorite pirate jokes:

Mateys, had ye heard about the new pirate corn?

Aye, I hear ye can get it for about a buck an ear.

Why couldn't the wee pirate go see the movie?

Because it were rated Arrrrr.

And why were it rated Arrrr?

Because of all the booty.

What be a pirate's favorite socks?

His arrrr-gyles.

And what be his favorite subjects in school?

Arrr-chitecture and arrrrr-t.

And finally, what be a pirate's favorite fast-food restaurant?

Arrrr-by's?

(normal voice) No, dude, Long John Silver's. Duh!

Ann said...

Ok so a guy sits down at the bar and orders a drink. He hears a little voice say "nice tie". He looks around and there's no one there. He thinks it must be his imagination so he continues drinking, he hears the voice again say "nice shirt". He looks around again- no one's there. He's starting to get alittle worried thinking where is this voice coming from? He calls the bartender over and asks "I keep hearing this voice it said nice tie and nice shirt, what's going on" and the bartender says "oh it's the peanuts, their complementary".

isol8d said...

The World's Shortest Poem, "Fleas"


Adam hadem.

Ashley said...

There were three pigs.

The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and the third little pig said "No I'm the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home"

Amy said...

What do you call a dull T-Rex?

A carni-bore.

(My son told me that one.)

Amy H.

klh said...

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Donut
Donut who ?
Donut open till Christmas !

Baaaaaaddddd... I know!

Kristen

Christina said...

Alright, you asked for it:

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam!

LOL

Claire said...

Q: What happened to the cat that ate the ball of yarn?

A: She had mittens!

Maria said...

What did Delaware?

She wore a brand New Jersey!

Wah waaaaah.

Maria

Lauren said...

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it!

:)
Lauren

Pearl said...

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c-
MOOOOO!!!!!

Anonymous said...

A polar bear walks into a bar, sits down, and says: "I'll have a gin...
...
...
...and tonic".
The bartender says, "Sure thing buddy, but just our of curiosity, why the long pause?"

The polar bear shakes his head regretfully, and says, "I've had 'em my whold life."

Dan D.

kit & kaboodle said...

What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?

Last year's hide and seek champion.

Kit

Dwane Lay said...

Another one I like...

A blonde gets on a plane to L.A. and sits in first class. The attendant, knowing the passenger list does not include this young lady, asks her to relocate to her seat in coach.

"I'm young, blonde, beautiful and on my way to Hollywood, and I'm going first class!" the passenger responds.

The attendant, being a bit flummoxed by this, informs the captain. The captain walks back and repeats the request.

"I'm young, blonde, beautiful and on my way to Hollywood, and I'm going first class!" she again responds.

The co-pilot, upon hearing the story, walks back and speaks very quietly to the blonde. She jumps up, hugs the co-pilot, and heads to the back of the plane.

"Wow!" says the attendant. "How did you convince her to move?"

The co-pilot responds, "No big deal. I just told her first class wasn't going to L.A."

One Frugal Girl said...

Here's an old blonde joke:

A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?" The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library." So, the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

Ren said...

My mother says I told this joke non-stop to everyone for about a month when I was five.

Me: Ask me what I had for breakfast!
Victim: What did you have for breakfast?
M: Pea green soup. Ask me what I had for lunch!
V: What did you have for lunch?
M: Pea green soup. Ask me what I had for dinner!
V: What did you have for dinner?
M: Pea Green Soup. Ask me what I did after dinner!
V: What did you do after dinner?
M: Pea Green Soup!

I remain grateful that video cameras were not in common usage during my 'snorty giggles' stage.

Calidaho said...

One night, the Potato family - Mother Potato and her three daughters - sat down to dinner. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."

"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.

"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?"

"I'm marrying a Russet!"

"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother, I too, have anannouncement."

"And what might that be?" asked Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"

"You, too!"Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, middle daughter?"

"I'm marrying an Idaho," beamed the middle daughter.

"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato?

Umm, I, too, have an announcement to make."

"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her,"I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"

"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, youngest daughter, dear?"

"I'm marrying Dan Rather!"

"Dan Rather?!"

Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"

Laura said...

My one food-related joke:

Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?

He ran out of juice!


My favorite really random joke:

What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree will kill you?

A pool table.

These comments were fun to read! Great way to hold a giveaway! Thanks!

Miranda said...

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

The Driftwood Collector said...

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

Coop, coupe - har, har, har. ;)

Bethina said...

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

....yes, that's the whole joke!

Krista said...

The 8 year old son of a friend told me this one today.

Him: It smells like up dog in here.
Me: What's up dog?
Him: Nothing! What's up with you?

Anonymous said...

What's the difference between a guitarist and a CD?

The CD matures.


Buddy

budree@bellsout.net

::::wifemothermaniac:::: said...

Why did the strawberry need a lawyer?

Because He was in a jam!

teehee.

~ Rachel

Heidi said...

One of my son's favorites:

What kind of key opens a banana?

A monkey.

Funny if you're six.

Heidi

Rebecca said...

Q. Why can’t you take a turkey to church?

A. Because of it’s fowl language.

Martha said...

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fish!

Marie L said...

What do the selfish cows of France say?

"Moi. Moi."

Anonymous said...

Two sausages are lying in a frying pan. The first sausage turns to the second and says, "Man! It sure is getting hot in here!"

The second says, "AHHHH! A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

Ayme
aymeahrens@yahoo.com

Galaxy_Grrrl said...

Another light bulb joke...

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What, you mean you DON'T KNOW?

Rebecca said...

- knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Banana!
- Banana who?
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Banana!
- Banana who?
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Banana!
- Banana who?
- Knock, knock!
- WHO'S THERE?!
- Orange!
- *sigh* Orange who?
- Orange you glad I didn't say banana again?

CJ said...

Thanks for the fun! Got a few chuckles out of this one.
-CJ

Sally said...

What should you do if you're lost in an Icelandic forest?

Stand up!

(short trees...)

Sally

silantrosquirrel AT aol PERIOD com

Anonymous said...

I didn't realize someone had already posted my talking sausage/muffin joke. So here's a fresh one: Why is the beach wet?

Because the seaweed.

Ayme
aymeahrens@yahoo.com

flybigd said...

Did you hear about the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?

It was an udder disaster.

Susan said...

Wait, seriously? The contest is over and nobody told my other favorite joke? Katie has me covered on "what's brown and sticky?" but....

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh!