In the grand tradition of bloggers (note: Sports Guy), I’ll be providing running commentary on the results show as it goes along. New updates will appear at the top of the post, and will be refreshed every few minutes as BL progresses. This actually makes it more of a running diary, but technology is hard and I’m an idiot.
Feel free to add your own ideas in the comment section, and I’ll post fun ones as they come in. Interactivity is neat!
Oh! Also? Please excuse any typos. We’ll clean ‘em up later.
And we're done. Thank you, for reading and commenting, everybody! This was really fun, and I'd love to do it again real soon. Have a great night an stay warm!
Cue congratulatory glitterstorm and inspirational song! I have done THIS today to make me feel proud!
DANNY! 239 pounds, yo! TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY NINE POUNDS! And his little girl is crying! The whole fam is so cute.
And the winnah is...
Speaking of beauty at any size, Gabourey Sidibe is on Leno after this. She is charming in interviews.
Danny has to drop 227 pounds. I think he has it. But first, THIS COMMERCIAL.
Rudy has lost 234 pounds, or 52.94% of his body weight. I can't even comprehend those numbers. He is the Wayne Gretzky of Biggest Loser. (Meaning: he hits his goals.)
Reader Mo has a good call: "if i believed in spin-offs, i would love to see the what happens when they go and have to live life thin. how their family dynamics change and if they throw out their fat clothes."
Amanda and Amanda's hair say, "I worked my butt off" without adding "literally" at the end. It kills me, because it would have been a rare appropriate use of the word "literally." She drops about 35% of her weight. It ain't enough to win, methinks.
And yelling. Can't forget the yelling.
Back from break, introducing next year's contestants. Already, there are two guys pushing 500 and much crying.
Danny does not enter. He has been replaced by a 20-years-younger imposter.
A VERY thin Rudy enters and touches his old self on the butt. It sounds weird, but it's what is actually happening.
Which brings me to the chief criticism of BL: it re-enforces you have to be thin to be awesome. And that just ain't true.
Moment of pure sincerity: of everyone on the show, I think Amanda's story seems the most universally relateable. We all know self-conscious teen girls we want to shake and say, "You are beautiful, whatever you weigh!"
I like to picture teen Danny in a Boston cover band, pickin' up my old neighbor Toni Ann is his Iroc-Z, and then jetting off to buy tapered-leg jeans at Chess King. (Um ... I have revealed too much.)
Okay, this is clearly the inspirational part of the show. Howevs, I'm not sure "... to help America wake up to hunger" sounds like GM wanted it to sound.
Antoine has a surprise! AUGH! HE'S PROPOSING TO ALEXANDRA! There is much crying and the moms are hugging! I love hugging moms.
Nope. It's Subway, an invite back to next season's finale, and ... A THOUSAND BUCKS FOR EVERY POUND LOST?!?!
There's a surprise for Shay? Hopefully it's Puffs Plus with lotion. (Um ... she's kind of a crier. Dunno if I mentioned.)
Rebecca wins, climbs Bob in celebration.
Reader Mo makes a great point: Jillian would be the worst SVU detective, ever.
Biggest Loser Drinking Game, Rule #2: take a sip every time Jill yells at someone who is already clearly traumatized.
Allen the Firefighter is up, loses 116 pounds or 35. 69% of his body weight. The at-home prize now comes to Liz. Can she sass it out?
Go Rebecca! 139 pounds GONE! She usurped Tracy, and has ENORMOUS guns to show for it. They're Madonna-esque.
Help us, Rebecca Wan Kenobi. You are our only hope.
Daniel down 111 pounds, or 35.58%, or me in 6th grade.
Amanda and Daniel, sittin' in a tree! Eating J-E-N-N-Y-O-T-U-R-KEY. They're the cuteness.
Shay's story is compelling, but I wish she'd cry a little less. Prediction: she will lose 214 pounds, 15 of which are tears. (Actually: 172 pounds, or 36.13%)
Commercial break, done! Reader Jen says: "BL Drinking Game, Rule #1: drink every time Alison says 'highest percentage of weight loss'"
Dr. Wayne, Old West MD, comes on to defend BL methods, slam bypass surgery, sell elixir to old cowboys to cure their consumption.
Shay, Daniel, Rebecca, and Allen are up now. Rebecca is slammin' in a shimmery silver gown and blonde Twiggy bob. If inspirational speaker doesn't work out, she has a very successful go-go dancing career in her future.
Tracy's weigh-in. 132 pounds, gone. She takes the lead from Julio and the terrorists win again.
Abby story ... can't type ... weeping. To its credit, Biggest Loser treated her story very delicately. And she looks fab and lost an even 100 pounds, for 40.49%. LOVE HER!
Oh NO. They're bringing up Dina's damn stool again. (Um ... again, that didn't come out sounding right.) She's down 31.23%, and has gained only awesome hair.
Back from break. Have moved on to mangos. Mo is looking a lot like a thin James Earl Jones and drops 25.92% of his weight.
Yay Abby! She's my fave. Boo, Tracy. She is Molly Shannon, but not as charming and insaner.
Did anyone else catch Sami saying Tracy looks "crazy good"? Well played.
Julio drops a gobsmacking 180 pounds. Reader Stanny! says "Julio could lose 8 more lbs if he shaves his eyebrows."
Here comes Julio. How is that the same guy? Did they give him a mustache and replace him with Evil Julio, a la Knight Rider?
Sean is 14-years-old and has an entirely new face. Reader Mo says: "sean! i love you! you are cute and still squeezey!"
Alexandra - won't win, but a great job with 29.45% lost.
Antoine - holy moly. 157 pounds lost. 40% lost.
From reader Jen, about a sneaker commercial: "ShapeUps shoes? Seriously? I'm pretty sure that any shoes not nailed to the floor will let you shape up."
Jillian's hair gets more luxurious every season. I want to swim in its waves. I do, however object to her "Someone Had a Difficult Childhood, So I Will Yell at Them" style of training.
And we're back! Bob and Jillian come out for the first time, both dressed as cat burglars.
There's a SECOND Chipmunk movie? The terrorists have won.
Sean, Antoine, Julio, and Alexandra are out. They all look great, but Julio looks freakin' amazing. Almost like a different guy. You might remember him from this conversation earlier this year:
JILLIAN: Julio, what’s emotionally wrong with you?
JULIO: Nothing, I think.
JILLIAN: Does your family hate you? Do you hate you?
JULIO: I don’t think so.
JILLIAN: No! You’re very sick in the head.
JULIO: Uh … I have to go.
"Is there anything you want to say to America?"
"Um ... water? Please? I'm very dehydrated."
America loves ... Amanda! Even though she's from Jersey.
Chocolate diamonds are not what I wanted them to be.
Reader Stanny! writes: "Neither woman finalist is a stick figure. Don't they know how America works?"
Inopportune commercial break #1! I want to punch the guy in the Ziploc ad out of principle. And then I want him to punch the Old Navy modelquins.
Aaaaannd the voting. Ten bucks on Hot Granny.
Here comes Liz! Whoa. Hot Granny alert. (Okay, now I feel weird.)
Amanda comes out in a cute pink top, next to her greenscreen Old Amanda. She is ten seconds from fainting dead away.
Danny's voice has actually changed since the beginning of the show. It sounds less muffled.
Cue inspirational music. I have been inspired! I WILL finish this beer! Thank you, Biggest Loser!
Ooo ... Lord of the Rings mountains. Remember Tracy? She was this year's crazy person. She makes Courtney Love look like Wolf Blitzer sanity-wise.
Sami Brady, lookin' good. And not in that Salem-esque-I-finally-got-my-baby-back-from-that-kidnapper way.
I'm here with occasional CHG writer Rachel! We've got Corona Light! We're eating halibut cakes! Let's do this thing.
It's 6:52pm right now, so we'll be officially starting in 68 minutes. Tune in!