Is it a sport? A game? A hobby? A long walk over interminable greens taken by doughy white guys (and Tiger Woods) for eons at a time, narrated by men who are actually whispering, so as not to awaken the seniors who have mistaken the course for their retirement home living rooms? Only god and my dad know for sure.
9) The finale of Roseanne
(SPOILER ALERT) C’mon. You know Dan should have died in Season 5, anyway.
8) The country of Andorra
Once upon a time, I rode with family and friends through terrifying mountains and aneurysm-inducing switchbacks to reach this fine nation, one of the smallest in the world, only to find it’s a big mall for Vespa helmets. But the fine selection of Andorran Sausages (bologna), procured at a rustic local eatery (old diner), consumed next to an awe-inducing collection of European athletes (Luxembourg’s Winter Olympic team – not kidding) made up for the scooter ephemera.
7) Hootie and the Blowfish
Who didn’t hear “Only Want to Be With You” all through high school – in cars and restaurants, Starbucks bathrooms and Girl Scout potlucks, Buddhist retreats and Catholic mausoleums? I can only assume its demanding melody and complex lyrics (“I only wanna be with you / I only wanna be with you”) still resound for young Republicans even today.
6) Sandra Lee’s Baked Potato Ice Cream Recipe
It’s ice cream, dressed like a potato! Think of it like pizza in a lima bean suit, or Jon Hamm wearing a Kim Jong-il costume, or something that you love made to look homely and kind of melting. Sweet!
5) The subway
I wouldn’t trade any of it, whether it’s the surprisingly powerful 94-year-old woman elbowing me on to the third rail, the Williamsburg manorexic ironically wearing the same eyeglasses I was forced to don all through elementary school, or the seemingly button-down businessman clipping his nails over a screeching pack of Park Slope seventh graders all named Julian. I mean it.
4) Armando Benitez
Being a Mets fan would be great if it wasn’t for the 7th, 8th, and 9th innings of every ballgame. Fortunately, we’ve always had guys like ‘90s reliever Armando Benitez, who made sure that every pitch was as exciting as it could possibly be. Sometimes, you could actually see him thinking: Up by 12 runs against the Yankees? Let’s make this into nail-biter!
3) The Prince of Tides novel by Pat Conroy
This book makes me wish I didn’t have emotions.
It’s really neat, that with all the junk packing our skulls – brains and muscles and arteries and whatnot – that our maker left a few holes full o’ nothin’. And it’s even neater that sometimes, those holes can get filled with stuff. And that stuff can be any color of the rainbow, and as soft and squishy or as elastic and bizarrely putty-like as you’ve ever seen. We’re like walking art projects, really, just waiting to be forcefully expectorated on to the nearest Kleenex canvas of life.
Wow! Mayonnaise is so …
I mean, I love the way it …
Um, so smooshy and…
Okay, you know this is an April Fool’s thing now. I can’t even pretend. Happy Friday, everybody!
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