Monday, November 14, 2011

For Those About to Gestate, We Salute You

“Aw, look. You’re having a Hellboy.” – our friend Chad
There comes a time in a young-ish married lady’s life when she looks at her husband and has to make a choice, to a) beat him in Scrabble, b) mold his beard into funny shapes, or c) do it. And sometimes, choosing “c” results in being 12 days late with her ladytime, taking four negative pregnancy tests followed by a fifth positive one, and then gaining 400 pounds, roughly half of which is fetus and its accompanying goo. (Note: The other half is burgers and lemonade.)

Which is to say, I’m knocked up. (Due on Cinco de Mayo! Break out the virgin margaritas.)

Yay! Husband and I and ESPECIALLY OUR PARENTS are thrilled with this development, as it means our familial line will continue for at least another generation, or in nerd terms, through iPhone57G. We look forward to all the cuteness and wonder and giggles and poop, which we've been assured there will be lots of. In fact, we’re even looking forward to the inevitable moment when the baby pukes into our open mouths, which, if friends and family on Facebook are to be believed, happens alarmingly often.

And while we're over the moon, I gotta tell you guys – pregnancy is kind of funky.

Don’t get me wrong - the prospect of introducing a new human to the wonders of Pixar and brownies is dumbfounding in its awesomeness. But my first trimester was a little rough. Meaning: I did not take the Barftrain all the way to Vomitville, but I did make a month-long stop in Queasytown. (Motto: “Where you always feel like s**t.”)

There was a span of about two weeks during which I slept negligibly, ate weirdly, and cooked nothing – not a slice of toast, not a bowl of cereal, not liver with fava beans with a nice Chanti. We subsided mainly on Chipotle and the kindness of passing Chinese takeout delivery boys, who, as it turns out, prefer to be paid for their troubles. My diet was neither cheap, nor healthy, nor particularly good, unless you count the burgers. And there were many.

It’s Month #4 now, and the nausea has finally begun to subside. I’m cooking again, and my appetite has returned with all its friends and relatives. According to the medical books (a.k.a. Manuals of Horror) I've read, the rest of my pregnancy should proceed thusly:

Month 1: Sore bosom
Month 2: Fatigue
Month 3: Nausea
Month 4: Raging indigestion
Month 5: Pregnancy … thing … bus … uh, brain
Month 6: Carpal Tunnel Body
Month 7: Hormone conflagration
Month 8: Beatlemania
Month 9: Gigantism
Month 10: Pass a human through my nethers

I'm looking forward to it - the pregnancy, the birth, and especially the whole "raising a child" part. Because I've tried to teach the cat how to read, and he's just not getting it.

In the meantime, I'll blog when I can, hopefully regarding food. And if y'all have any suggestions? I'm all ears. And abdomen.

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43 comments:

CT said...

Ha!

Strangely, I just bought my unborn child two Beatles T-shirts in my eighth month of pregnancy. Conspiracy or coincidence?

c.r.a. said...

Congratulations! What exciting news! Being in month 7 myself (personal mix: heartburn/swelling/pregnancy brain), I commiserate with your cooking difficulties. I didn't cook anything in my first trimester (unless opening a bag of pita chips and container of hummus counts as "cooking"), but have been cooking since the second trimester. We still order takeout more than we used to (Oh, the tired, it is so strong), and the things I do cook are pretty basic. I'm a big fan of cutting yourself some slack. Glad to hear you have moved on from the nausea. Enjoy the second trimester!

MargieK said...

Congratulations!

Annie @ Naturally Sweet Recipes said...

So exciting! Congrats to you and your family!

Frugal Vegan Mom said...

Congrats!! I documented my whole pregnancy on the blog, including food related things - the only time I got heartburn was after eating a cheese quesadilla (I'm like 98% vegan...) and had minimal weight gain, no swelling - could be luck, but the vegan diet couldn't have hurt!

Ferreh Hiatt said...

Congrats! As a mother of three, and one that has decided to not be a mother of four, I'll welcome you to the club by saying, "I'm glad someone else is pregnant this time!" First trimester is a bitch, second is okay and you feel like super woman, the third you're too big to feel like doing much of anything besides coming up with strange food combinations. (Bacon maple cheesecake anyone?) You'll have a ball, and Tauruses are fun to hang out with. My husband's bday is Cinco De Mayo and I have fun hanging out with him... and his offspring.

Kelly said...

Congrats! I hear you about the first trimester. I'm currently BFF with nausea, so much so that I can't bear to leave my room when someone is cooking downstairs. It's good to hear that my current diet of tortilla chips, Cheerios, and bananas will hopefully soon be a thing of the past. Best of luck!!

geetabix said...

Wow, I love your synopsis of the medical manuals! Congrats :)

Becky said...

Congratulations!

Jennie said...

Congrats! I have followed your blog for ages, and now we are pregnant together (I'm due May 4)!

BrittanyLane said...

I'm laughing so hard my eyes are watering. You put it so eloquently. I've had four children and though pregnancy at times feels like "hell", it is worth every single moment of suffering for the end result. Hang in there! (And p.s. I've never once had a baby vomit in my mouth.)

Lorena said...

Having recently pushed a child through my nethers, I salute and congratulate you! It's tough stuff, but gets easier food-wise as time goes on. I was lucky that I was only a little nauseous in my first trimester. After that, I ordered my husband around like a short-order cook (he does all the cooking while I bake). Just make sure you document all easy-to-make meals now, and freeze what you can before baby comes along -- it ain't easy being in the kitchen with someone attached to you all the time. Either that or start training your cat to cook...

Koriann said...

I was wondering where you'd gone. Congratulations!!

Adj (Tattoos & Champagne) said...

That is bat guano CRAZY, dude! Congrats!!

Kris said...

Hey you guys! Thank you so much, and I apologize for the radio silence the last few months.

@Jennie: Nice! How'd your first trimester go? Hope it was okay.

Anna said...

Congrats! The last time I was pregnant, that first trimester was during Christmas. The whole thing just... passed by. I could barely muster a carol or two.

Liz Tee said...

Congrats! All I got for ya, food-wise, is to do the best you can. And move through space as much as possible (aka walk/swim/etc.)

Seems hard to imagine now, I'm sure, but by the time the final step comes around, it will actually sound like an appealing option compared to the status quo. That's how you know it's time. ;)

Mrs. Troy said...

Congratulations! Hubby and I are proud parents to a 15 month old boy. He is the joy of our lives. :) Thanks for letting us know. And please keep blogging!! :)

Kristine said...

Congratulations! The desire to cook will come soon, as you have intense cravings (some of which will make people say, huh?). And like Liz Tee said, by the time the due date comes near, you won't care how that baby comes out! Meanwhile, enjoy the 2nd trimester, while you have some energy and have a cute little baby bump!

Laura said...

Best pregnancy post ever. Congratulations!

P.S. Cinco de Mayo is the best birthday ever. (it's mine!)

LibertyJBE said...

Congratulations! I just hit month 6 myself and I totally feel your pain. Up until week 16 I thought I would never freakin' make it through the pregnancy and suddenly vomiting mostly all gone. Energy returning (though never back to my pre-pregnancy level). I'll tell you that heartburn can be killer. I thought I was having a heart attack the first time it hit (see vomiting CAN continue past the 1st trimester). But the kicking part. The 'Oh my God, my stomach just moved part' That's awesome.

Looking forward to the family meals to come... eventually. Cheap Healthy Good homemade baby food?

Leone said...

Congrats! :D

And you crack me up!

Meister @ The Nervous Cook said...

This is awesome! Good for you -- having a proverbial bun in the oven is probably the only thing in the world better than having a fresh batch of Parker House rolls in the actual oven.

Here's to a healthy and easy pregnancy! Hooray!

Anonymous said...

Congrats! And your months are pretty accurate. Speaking as someone in month 2.

Ruthie said...

Congratulations!! What wonderful news!! :)

Karen L said...

Congratulations! I also had trouble eating in the first trimester of each of my three pregnancies.

Since you've been slightly-less-than-coy about the effects of pregnancy and childbirth on the body, I will open up and make a food suggestion: In the first postpartum days, make sure you drink plenty of fluids and have something like bran muffins on hand. For the sake of your nethers. And also because muffins are handy, portable, snack food for while feeding baby.

Jen said...

Hurray! Our humans may come around the same time! So glad you're not dead. Thanks for the helpful synopsis!

flybigd said...

So happy for you! Blog when you can!

looloolooweez said...

Congratulations!

Sofie said...

Congratulations to the both of you!

food4five said...

Congratulations! It is a wonderful adventure.

Alison said...

Cutest "hey guys, I'm preggers" post I've ever read. Congrats!

Anonymous said...

Cool. i just found out that i am pregnant too! Well, not just found out. I felt like crap for a while had the sore bosom, and weird dreams. I thought the sore bosom was because I had upped my running. Not so... Month 2 all I wanted to eat was potato chips, Chipotle (Yummy) and fake mashed potatoes washed down with lemonade. How very exciting for you and your husband and families. Keep blogging- I love reading you!

Anonymous said...

Hooray! Congratulations to both of you! Looking forward to your updates when you have the time/energy :-)

ErinM said...

*snort*...Ladytime. Definitely going to start using that!

Congratulations!

Unknown said...

Congratulations!

My suggestions:
Get a Doula - worth every dime
Watch Business of Being Born
Purchase "My Best Birth" by Ricki Lake

And trust your body and baby!

alexis said...

RE: HEARTBURN - not due to pregnancy, but rather travel for work to countries with delicious coffee and oily cuisines where i find myself compelled to consume ridiculous quantities of both. Upon return, when i want only cool, soothing, quenching sustenance, i make a smoothie - 1 (or 2) banana, dash of cinnamon, splash of vanilla, milk to cover, handful of ice, and 1-2 tbsp of oats - blend til smooth - the oats make it feel so rich and creamy, and REALLY soothing and cooling (and smells so good)

Akriti said...

Congratulations!'''

Mama Squirrel said...

Trying to figure out month 8: Beatlemania??

oneeyethedrd said...

My sister-in-law got engaged in Central Park as the hurricane approached, got married the Monday after the hurricane passed, and is now also due in May. I had my own son a year ago, so I remember the various symptoms well (though I avoided some of the more annoying ones).

One blog you may find useful in the months and years to come is http://weelicious.com/

Some good, healthy recipes for baby and toddler foods there.

Admin said...

Congrats! I listen to you about the first trimester. I'm currently BFF with feeling sick, so much so that I can't have to depart my area when someone is preparing downstairs. It's excellent to listen to that my present eating habits regime of tortilla snacks, Cheerios, and apples will hopefully soon be a subject put to rest. Best of luck!! www.mydesilook.blogspot.com

Autumn said...

Congrats!

When it comes time to push a human out through your nethers I would recommend against pizza as a meal after your water breaks. . . I learned that one the hard way.

Yosefa said...

Great post! But I don't Digg or Stumble. Why don't you have buttons like +1, FB, and tweet? Have a healthy and easy pregnancy!